The Book Of Donald (1/4)

A Kremlin miracle

Thomas Greene
5 min readJan 4, 2021
Photo by Steve Harvey on Unsplash

In the primary season of the 58th quadrennial US election, the Lord summoned Vladimir Putin to the Cathedral of the Dormition, to a secret chamber known but to a handful of holy men, and spoke to him, saying: Address the people of the United States and say to them, truly you are among the world’s great tribes, but you are threatened by Enemies both without and within.

And Putin spoke to God, saying: Lord, will they listen to one such as myself?

And the Lord replied: They will indeed. For you shall conduct a vast disinformation campaign with my help. You shall plant false news stories throughout the press, then quote those lies in subsequent articles. You shall gather an army of software bots to spread my warning throughout the World Wide Web, emphasizing the need of the American people for security from the Evil that pursues them. You shall assign ten thousand workers, and command each to send forth ten thousand bots on Facebook and Twitter, YouTube and Reddit, Snapchat and Instagram, warning every American of danger from the Children of Ishmael, my beloved worshipers, whom they are disposed to fear and despise without reason.

And the Democratic Party also you shall warn of, saying that its extreme ideology of Social Justice and Universal Health Care must surely bankrupt the United States and leave her helpless at the feet of her many adversaries. Your minions shall remind them continually of foreign immigrants bearing plans of terror from without, and of Radical Left Socialists within, eager to embrace all manner of that which is un-American and sinful in the sight of the Lord your God. Thus shall you and your people perform a role in my divine plan for America.

And Putin wondered aloud: What plan is this, Lord?

The Lord answered: I tell you only this: I shall lift up among the American people a Leader to be the instrument of my plan, and I shall reward you and your people for helping to elevate him. Indeed, I shall reward you and the Nation of Russia many times over for doing what I command. I am the Lord your God.

Lord, whom have you chosen to lead America? Putin asked.

I shall lift up the New Yorker Donald Trump to be my servant, the Lord replied. And Putin laughed involuntarily, but he immediately felt ashamed as the Lord could see that he doubted Him.

The Lord said: Do not chastise yourself; laughter is natural. I have chosen an unlikely champion. Nevertheless, I shall raise him up and execute my plan for America upon his leadership for reasons that will become clear in time.

And Putin said: Lord, may your servant ask why I am required? Surely God can bring this about without help.

And the Lord said to Putin: Indeed; but only the most pious Americans would accept that a miracle had occurred. Most would question the integrity of an election won by such a creature. However, you are acquainted with Donald Trump personally, and it is easy for the people of America to believe that his elevation would be so much to your and the Nation of Russia’s advantage that you would wish to intervene on his behalf. You shall become the explanation of what can never be explained rationally: that the New Yorker Donald John Trump shall win the 58th quadrennial election and serve me as the next president of the United States of America.

So Putin returned to the Grand Kremlin Palace, and there he gathered his ministers together and said to them: The Lord has given us a task: we are to help the New Yorker Donald Trump become the next American president. When they heard this, the ministers laughed openly, saying: The people of America do not take Trump seriously; he cannot win. And he is too weak for such a position; if he were to win he would be crushed by the challenges of the job.

And Putin answered: This is the will of the Lord who can accomplish whatever he chooses. Our role is to provide a plausible explanation for his inevitable victory. God Omnipotent shall make it happen; we need only to appear to have brought it about. This is the will of the Lord.

And remember, Donald Trump’s moral weakness and his myriad foibles make our task possible, for he will not reject our help, whereas a righteous man would. Remember too that we command a mighty disinformation machine, superior to those run by America and China. We shall plant false news stories, then quote those lies in subsequent news stories. Our bots will follow each other on Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, Snapchat, Instagram, and YouTube. They will comment and re-tweet each other to make it appear that millions believe our propaganda. We will sow doubt, fear, and suspicion among the people of America as we have done so many times before.

Putin said: Yes, “Donald Trump” is a fiction, a product of media arts. Video and print are his natural habitat, and we, the people of Russia, are the most skilled manipulators of the environment in which he has evolved. So go forth and fill the many online platforms and news outlets with warnings and claims and stories that will inspire the people of the United States toward fear and hatred such that they will vote for this new champion of the Lord.

And the ministers were astonished, saying: Truly the Lord God is mysterious in his ways, that he should exercise his divine will through the antics of this warbling spray-tanned capon. But they went forth as the Lord had commanded and organized a vast campaign of disinformation and propaganda using all of the various mechanisms of mass communication, praising Donald Trump and denouncing his opponents while fueling fear and hatred among the American people.

To be continued
Up Next:
Chapter Two: The louche messiah
Chapter Three: Hoping for the best
Chapter Four: Son of Billy