O FLORIDA

Matt Gaetz Adopts Kyle Rittenhouse

Family values up the wazoo

Thomas Greene
3 min readDec 6, 2021

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The new Nestor (Matt Gaetz via Twitter and public domain mugshot)

United States Representative Matt Gaetz (R, Florida) has adopted freelance medic and perfectly innocent gunman Kyle Rittenhouse, whose blood parents recently changed the locks and banned him from their house in Antioch, Illinois, effectively orphaning him.

Rittenhouse and his new dad held a press conference outside the Gaetz family residence in Seaside, Florida, where Kyle spoke first. “Representative Gaetz rode to the rescue after my parents apparently grew so ashamed of me that relatives feared they might become a danger to themselves,” the young murderer of no one explained.

The congressman, who is under federal investigation for sexual assault of a minor and human trafficking, beamed contentedly at his latest bundle of joy as he addressed reporters:

“I know that my eldest son, Nestor, wishes he could be here,” Gaetz trilled. “If he were, he’d tell you what I’m about to tell you, That after so many traumatic experiences — with the police and the courts and the fake news media, all manhandling him and shouting in his face what a dirty, dirty little rascal he is — even the healthiest, fittest of youths might lose confidence that they did the right thing. But twelve Wisconsin jurors reminded us all that this great nation of ours is founded on family values and the sacred Christian principle that extravagant bloodshed for self-defense is never wrong.

“Kyle’s instinct to administer medical care, even to those he’d just shot, like Florence Nightingale — if, you know, she had a body count, too — nudges him toward a career path that I’ll be proud to support. My home will be a safe place for him to study nursing and play doctor, and see how those roles suit him.”

Now that Gaetz’s first ‘adopted son,’ Nestor Galbán, is rounding on 21 years of age, there’s room at Maison Gaetz for a younger “local student” or “pool boy” or “adopted son” — or nephew, as companionable young men used to be called by gentlemen of a certain persuasion back in my day.

Asked whether Nestor and Kyle would be bunking together or lodged in separate rooms, Gaetz smiled in that wholesome way of his, and said that the lads would have many an opportunity to “wrestle with that together.”

Rittenhouse has received lavish praise and job offers from numerous official sources. US Rep Paul Gosar (R, Arizona), who, refreshingly for a Republican politician, has not been accused of any crime, sexual or otherwise, wrote on Twitter that he would gladly wrestle Gaetz for the honor of employing young Kyle as an intern. Upon hearing that, the not in any way creepy US Rep Gym Jordan (R, Ohio), who has been accused of covering up the sexual abuse of Ohio State University wrestlers by a team doctor, grew visibly aroused and insisted that he would bring the olive oil, before a staffer explained that his colleagues had meant arm wrestling.

Still, Jordan abruptly offered his benediction: “The adoption of a wholesome youth by a member of Congress subject to a federal investigation for sexual assault and human trafficking absolutely is not in any way creepy!” he ejaculated.

There was more. US Rep Madison Cawthorn (R, North Carolina) — who has been accused of multiple sexual assaults but is not, so far as we know, under investigation — showed a bit of ankle too, but failed to gain Kyle’s favor. Perhaps Cawthorn was overshadowed by the enduring star power of former US president Donald Trump, who posed for a photo with Kyle and called him “really, a nice young man,” as only someone who has the best words can do.

Get out of my light, dick pimple (Benny Johnson via Twitter)

As for whether there might be some “pool boy” or cabana-attendant work experience available to Kyle at a world-class venue like a Trump-branded resort, we haven’t heard, although that does seem like the sort of honor he deserves, and we will be rooting for him.

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