OPERATION LEBENSRAUM

Abbas Pays Billions In Reparations To Israel

“We appreciate how costly ethnic cleansing can be”

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Peace on any terms

Palestinian National Authority President and Fatah Party Chairman Mahmoud Abbas has pledged $40 billion from his government’s slush fund in reparations to compensate Israel for having to spend vast sums of money razing Gaza and exterminating its civilian population in pursuit of total victory over Hamas.

During a joint press conference in the occupied West Bank city of Ramallah, where he sat alongside Israeli President Isaac Herzog, Abbas explained: “We Palestinians appreciate how expensive it is for our Israeli partners to bomb Hamas into submission, so we’ve decided to be proactive. It’s as simple as this: We know the Zionists are going to win. Gaza is a lost cause, so it only makes sense to pay reparations in advance, hoping to secure more favorable terms of surrender for ourselves.”

Abbas then presented Herzog with one of those comically oversized cardboard cheques much favored in state lottery promotions, in the amount of $40 billion.

Herzog rose and smiled graciously, saying, “Mr President, honored guests, thanks to this very generous tithe — which, by the way, we see as a colonization budget as much as a war budget — we can commit to euthanizing the West Bank as gently as possible while we annex the land and settle it with its own true heirs.”

You can’t lose if you don’t fight

Abbas nodded. “Well said, Isaac. Together we can ensure a peaceful transition to Greater Israel, after finally doing away with the resistance in Gaza and here in the West Bank, and in nearby Lebanon and Syria too. Indeed, anything we can do to help our Israeli Mas… *cough* …neighbors, is ‘money in the bank,’ so to speak, toward securing our future relations.”

Herzog rolled his eyes playfully. “Hashem knows it’s been expensive. The carpet bombing of Gaza has been a truly international collaboration, requiring immense contributions of money and materiel from our loyal allies in Washington, London, and Berlin. No doubt it’s been painful for their people, but that’s a sacrifice we’re willing to make.”

Abbas chuckled as the two returned to their seats. “And now we count ourselves among the noble nations ensuring that the air campaign can go on to completion,” he trilled.

Abbas raised a hand. “Isaac, tell the reporters here why it’s necessary to destroy so many buildings and refugee camps instead of taking the fight to the enemy underground.”

Herzog brightened. “I was hoping you’d ask. Not many people know this, but our air force is the only real military asset we’ve got. The army is just conscripts and reservists — 20-year old staff sergeants and 21 year old captains — who’ve got no business camping without adult supervision much less deploying on a battlefield. So we have to do the serious part chiefly from the air, which is by far the most expensive and least efficient approach.”

He went on, “we would love to send our lads into the tunnels — since bombs can’t do much against them — but down there in the dark, they’d just be targets made of meat. Like the poor bastards we sent into Lebanon to punish Hezbollah fighters and massacre their Christian neighbors: our lads always get ambushed and run, weeping like frightened schoolboys when they encounter actual resistance. If we could only use our army for more than terrorizing unarmed women and children, it would save us a lot of bother and expense.

“Unfortunately, we have no magic wand, or any other kind of special wooden stick, to threaten the enemy. And we certainly can’t expect our precious heroes to fight man to man. So, indiscriminate carpet bombing, in Gaza and Lebanon and now in Syria, however costly it might be for our allies, is our only option.”

Promises, promises

Just then, two aides carried in a banner mounted on a heavy brass and hardwood stand. Herzog again rose to his feet, this time saying, “Mr. President: the Knesset and People of Israel salute you for your invaluable service to our noble cause. As a token of our appreciation, I’m honored to present you with this unique KPQI banner depicting the Greater Israel that you’ve been working so hard to establish. May it decorate this illustrious office for as long as we permit it to exist.”

And what happened next? Well, in Tel Aviv they say, Abbas is a hard man, like spring steel, toughened and tempered by the demands of his office; but this reporter saw him gazing with pride upon the decoration he’d earned, and for a moment, in his eyes, there appeared — well, not tears so much as what I’d call a manly misting.

And that, I believe, tells us all we need to know about this monumental Palestinian character.

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Thomas Greene 🇮🇪 🇵🇸🔻
Thomas Greene 🇮🇪 🇵🇸🔻

Written by Thomas Greene 🇮🇪 🇵🇸🔻

26 + 6 = 1. Dublin, Paddystine. Best-selling award nominee. Bua do throdaithe saoirse na Palaistíne! https://www.youtube.com/@wiredgourmet

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