Israel Needs Exorcists

Ghosts of 35,000 murdered Palestinians threaten the nation’s mental hygiene

Thomas Greene
3 min readApr 10, 2024


Who you gonna call? (own work)

Israel has begun recruiting parapsychologists, clairvoyants, telepaths, and exorcists from abroad to appease the restless spirits of tens of thousands of murdered Palestinians, an unforeseen development that has created a public mental health crisis of a magnitude never before seen in the idyllic Middle-East democracy.

At a joint cabinet press conference, Israeli Health Minister Uriel Buso introduced the bold new strategy.

“Our public mental health services are now stretched to the breaking point. Which is no great surprise, because conventional therapy is of limited use against the kind of paranormal malaise we’re seeing. The entire nation will end up barking mad if we don’t find a solution soon.

“We’re starting with a fresh approach. Rather than treat the victims, we plan to reduce the number of these restless dybbukim with proven techniques of appeasement so that they’ll leave the bodies of their Jewish victims and go to, well, wherever it is that peaceful Arab spirits go.”

Israeli Population and Immigration Authority Minister Ofir Sofer added that his ministry is prepared to support many hundreds of overseas experts on an indefinite basis with subsidized housing, tax incentives, free bus and train travel, language training, and low-cost child-care services. It will also be possible for qualified paranormal professionals to buy, at a discount, essential scientific instruments such as infrared and ultrasonic detectors, Geiger counters, dowsing rods, amulets, Ouija boards, and the like. “They will be supporting us, so we will be supporting them,” he said.

Asked about the national security implications of assimilating so many goyim at once, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu explained: “It’s a calculated risk that we feel represents a net gain. We can’t allow our entire population to fall prey to the traumatized spirits that harass us relentlessly merely for exercising our absolute right to self defense.”

The health minister nodded in agreement, saying, “That’s so true, Bibi. Because once we’ve finished defending ourselves, Gaza will pretty much become the world’s largest necropolis. Could be home to upwards of two million hostile spirits of Hamas extremists — God willing. So we’re going to need those parapsychologists for decades to come. This is a long-term investment in our collective mental hygiene.”

Defense Minister Yoav Gallant struck a somber note, and said, “Our IDF heroes have suffered horribly during the Swords of Iron war. Serving in the world’s most moral army is a daily challenge. The soldiers’ natural tenderness and sensitivity, which all senior officers cultivate, opens them up to absolute terror at the hands of spiteful little dybbuk toddlers. Especially late at night, when the ghastly little demons usually appear — emaciated, mutilated, charred, calling for their mothers and fathers, leaving our heroes terrified, suicidal, unable to control their bladders and even their bowels.”

“Nevertheless, regardless of personal costs, we must eradicate every Hamas-terrorist man, woman, and child in Gaza!” Netanyahu ejaculated.

“Right again, Bibi,” Minister Gallant said. “Our suffering is completely unjust, but we bear this burden in the spirit of patriotic service and the moral superiority for which we Zionists are justly famous. And now, if you’ll forgive me, I’m due back at headquarters for an update on Hamas’s most diabolical tactic: distributing deep-fake videos of our IDF heroes engaging in war crimes.

“We’ve learned recently that the enemy is using satellite broadband technology smuggled in by so-called ‘humanitarian aid’ providers. Like those crisis actors from World Central Kitchen, who repeatedly commit blood-libel by claiming that their staffers were killed in a Jewish drone strike when it’s blindingly obvious that those ‘food delivery’ vehicles had been packed with explosives meant to murder innocent Israelis.

“Aid convoys indeed,” Gallant sneered. “They’re nothing but a security vulnerability. These bleeding-heart Christians, and Muslims, and religious Jews will get us all killed.”

“Not if we get them first,” Netanyahu chuckled, then turned and strutted off the stage, shouting “no questions” over his shoulder at a room full of bewildered journalists.