WOE V WADE
Dems Stunned by SCOTUS Ambush on Roe
‘They gave us only 50 years to act,’ Pelosi whines
Mere days after SCOTUS overturned its landmark decision, Roe v. Wade (1973), powerful Democrats exchanged powerful words at a press conference held outdoors on the Capitol campus, behind a banner reading Democrats Fight for Reproductive Rights.
“The United States Supreme Court has disgraced itself by giving us a mere half century to anticipate Roe’s inevitable failure and to recognize the obvious need to pass national legislation protecting women’s reproductive freedom,” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) declared.
Her Senate counterpart agreed. “We were blindsided. No one could have foreseen this vicious assault on women’s liberties by a Court packed with right-wing ideologues,” Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) explained.
“Today is one of the darkest days our country has ever known,” he continued. “We hope that now everyone will understand the importance of electing Democrats who will save Roe. We will do everything we can to preserve the rights of women. Not that there’s much we can do, but that’s hardly the point. Whatever we can offer — thoughts and prayers, indignant speeches with no specifics, sing-alongs, you name it, you’ve got it.”
Schumer might still have felt the sting from Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), who had demonstrated just how cutting the Republican tongue can be — on the Senate floor, no less — only days earlier: “The Democrat Party has been completely captured by the far-left fringe, with an extreme and radical policy that would permit abortion through all nine months of pregnancy, up to the moment before the baby is born,” he warbled, using the type of hurtful language that paralyzes Democrats.
A Pleasant Surprise
President Biden made an unscheduled appearance, and was introduced by his great friend, Amanda Gorman, the precocious 22-year-old poet who rocked an Easter Sunday outfit and spoke during his inauguration about racial oppression refracted through the Straight-Outta-Harvard flow that moderate Republicans find so enchanting.
“Today,” the President began, “we gather to call out the Supreme Court’s outrageous behavior. They think they’ve won, but make no mistake: people can look to this administration for a cabinet full of liberal gyno-Americans and elites of color and of woke sexualities, from the finest private universities, to guide us back to a calming safe space of, em, continuity and … stable neoliberalism. You know, like we used to all enjoy, when America was doing just fine with Barack and me in charge, thank you very much.”
He appeared confused, and mumbled, “Hang on a second; did I think that or actually say it? Anyway, back to the business at hand. Are there any questions?”
A reporter asked, “Since Roe was never meant to be more than a judicial stop-gap measure, why did the Democratic Party not launch a serious legislative initiative at any point during the five decades it was in place?”
Biden blinked and sounded a bit distant. “You’re not making sense. How can the Democratic Party be the party of women if it solves the abortion thing once and for all? I mean, look; it’s like this: We need the uncertainty of the Roe status quo. That sort of unstable protection leaves women terrified of losing their reproductive freedom. Meanwhile, Democratic administration after Democratic administration, Democratic Congress after Democratic Congress, have assured women that we are the party that supports their right to choose. You see where I’m going with this?
“Make no mistake. That means what it sounds like. We support it; in other words, we approve of it. Sure, we change up the language, like today, and say we’re the party that fights for reproductive rights. But course we never win. That’s baked in. We fight feebly, like Woody Allen taking a swing at Muhammad Ali, and we lose, over and over again.”
Several Members stared at him in a wide-eyed panic, but the President was on a roll. “See, ya’ll got to understand the larger context here. If we ever actually fixed the problem conclusively, then how would we attract female voters? They’ve been supporting us for fifty years hoping we would act decisively — and, God willing, they’ll be voting for us for another fifty in hopes that we really mean it this time.”
Silver Lining
Senator Schumer made a sawing gesture with a forefinger across his throat but the president seemed not to notice. He continued: “Now, don’t worry; Congress will cobble together some bipartisan legislation, like that gun bill I just signed that does nothing to protect Americans. We can say we fought for it while Republicans can say they fought against it, and our voters will keep stepping into the booth and pulling that lever like lab monkeys dosing themselves with cocaine. Order and balance will be restored, and Washington will stumble along as Heaven intended: a devoted handmaiden to the multinational corporate plutocracy that owns us all.”
Another reporter asked why the White House and Congress can’t come up with solid reproductive rights legislation immediately, while the Democrats still enjoy their three-way majority.
Biden shook his head. “A three-way majority isn’t enough. It never has been. I mean, look at Barack’s and my first two years. We had a three-way majority, and what did we accomplish? No public health care, no Guantánamo closing, no immigration reform, no corrupt bankers prosecuted, no reduction in deadly police violence against unarmed black men. We did all we could — which was, you know, nothing.
“But look at the bright side. Despite the generous woman and LGBTQ and minority quotas with which we’ve decorated this administration, we remain the same elitist, virtue-signalling phonies we’ve always been. My ‘rainbow cabinet’ is a slick substitute for crucial reforms dealing with racism in law enforcement and the criminal justice system, with workers’ rights and consumer protection, and with equal access to education, employment, health care, housing, and credit regardless of race or sex.”
And again he appeared confused, and mumbled, “Hang on; did I think that or actually say it?”
Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) dashed to his side and led him from the lectern, announcing abruptly that it was “time for the President’s nap,” while Biden smiled and shouted over his shoulder, “Vote Democrat: the party that strenuously approves of social justice and equal opportunities for every American!”
About fifteen members of the House and Senate rose from their seats to applaud the President as he trotted off.
And then they began to sing.
